.::it's all here::.

...a failed attempt to translate thoughts and feelings into words...

Wednesday, April 25


It's been awhile since I've updated this blog, and my other public blog is probably not going to be updated much anymore. I'm going to update the private one. It can't be found by searching google either :P [it's not livejournal].

I really don't want to continue going to school. I don't know, it's just too much...I don't want to do shit anymore. It's kind of funny, the question 'what are you going to do after highschool' hahaha my new answer 'sit on my ass' hahahaha I love it....nah, but I'm going to work and have a nice little place with a buddy. And it'll be fun. School doesn't really need to be in your future. I don't care how much money I make. As long as I can get by on the bare necessities, I'll be fine. :) My grades are actually kind of going up, so I guess that's good...but I still really want to drop out.

Life in general, though, is fairly good I suppose. Things have been fun. Despite a huge conflict...that pisses me off really bad. I don't know. I haven't been eating much lately at all. I have no appetite. :\ It'd kind of scary. I love food, and ahhh man. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm either tired, 'stressed', worried, or whatever. You know what's funny. I'm afraid. For two reasons. But one is funny, I suppose. I don't know, but I'm just so worried that everything good in my life right now is just going to be stripped away, and I'll be left "hollow and alone" [chester bennington lyric :P] ahh I don't know I worry too much. I don't let it show, but I'm so damn worried all the time. I try and come off as a hard ass and whatever, but there's always those people who see right through all that bullshit. :\ And that scares me, too. Ahhhh....


Monday, April 9


Spring Break is apparently over....yet, my body doesn't know that and apparently staying up till 5 or 6am every night during spring break wasn't a great thing...because now I can't sleep. But oh well...So, now time to update until I get tired. :P

Let's see....well, here's something new and really exciting. I'm starting to play guitar. My friend has taught me a little bit a few weeks ago, and then this weekend I was taught a lot more and they left the guitar here for me!! Ahhh I've been having so much fun with it :) I can play part of 'blister in the sun' violent femmes, most of 'otherside' rchp, 'fair' remy zero, and im working on 'glycerine' bush and 'adams song' blink 182 :) ahhh This is so exciting. and it really is helping me get through shit in a positive healthy way....for the most part. hah

I'm also going to get a car. $150. That's it. It works fine, too. Well....I think the transmission is not great, but I'm going to work on it. And oh man, I'm so excited. My parents are pissed as hell hahaha But I'm so excited. :) It's a dodge neon, yeah a shit car...but I don't care about that...it's a fucking car...it'll get me to my destinations...so what's the problem?

Well, I'm pretty okay with life nowadays...I've got those times still where I just want to go fucking insane and bash the hell out of everything just to feel better...or do something...but I think I'm getting better. Ahhh nevermind....I just deleted all the rest. I'm being more careful about what I say nowadays. People seem to like to make shit up a lot, or make assumptions....which is the same thing.

What else?? I started packing....hahaha. Not necessarily to move, because that's a whole year away....but I'm scaring my parents and for some reason my room is like one big dust trap, so things get dusty so easily and it's just pissing me off. So I''m just packing it all away...but it'll make for easy moving next year! :) So that is goood. And if you are thinking 'what you are moving??' well, I'm moving out. [billy joel haha] Nah but seriously, I am. I got the apartment all set. :)

Well, I think I'm actually tired now....so goodnight....four hours of sleep...not bad.

Sunday, April 1


i dont know...this blog needs some love.

Monday, March 12


Yep...it's here. Today is the day....and it's not too terribly bad. Besides the fact I went to bed at 330am, woke up with my alarm, looked at it and fell back asleep until 700 and rushed around so I could make it to school on time. But, yeah despite that part of the morning. So far everything's been quite all right....I only have a 1/2 day of school today and tomorrow, then I'm off the rest of the week and have a few fun things planned. :) I got a box of cinnamon life cereal from my friend this mornning hahaha it was really funny, but thoughtful. haha And I also got an altoids tin filled with goodies from somebody else...a few hugs. And a nice text message convo with an old friend :)

I think if the day were over right now I'd be happy. haha Partly because I'd probably get to go to bed.... :P I have TONS of homework and things I failed to finish over the weekend....soo, I don't know maybe I should get to that...I'm not even sure why I'm updating...haha Oh well. It's been about a month, time for an update I suppose.

Hope all is well, and ya'll are having a nice day.

Monday, February 19


bleh I have so much fucking homework to do and make up. I do not want to do it, though. I want to sleep. and keep sleeping. and stay home with my Hankie...it was so sad leaving him today. :( The funny thing is, I was never sick or missed a day of school yet...I just don't feel like doing it. hm hm hm exactly 3 weeks. Actually not looking forward to it at all. Well--no, I'm not. Nothing's really going to be any different. So yeah, I have no clue why I'm writing. No real reason to....just purely bored. I have two hours to sit here on my ass, too. Soo yeah, I realy don't know what to do...I didn't load up any episodes of CSI either...grr....

shit! apparently nobody has to go to school or work today!!! what the hell. this is so not even funny....if I think positively, though...the day is technically almost over...pssh not really...ahh :( i want to go home...I have a feeling this week is going to be so slow, too. grr