.::it's all here::.

...a failed attempt to translate thoughts and feelings into words...

Monday, February 19


bleh I have so much fucking homework to do and make up. I do not want to do it, though. I want to sleep. and keep sleeping. and stay home with my Hankie...it was so sad leaving him today. :( The funny thing is, I was never sick or missed a day of school yet...I just don't feel like doing it. hm hm hm exactly 3 weeks. Actually not looking forward to it at all. Well--no, I'm not. Nothing's really going to be any different. So yeah, I have no clue why I'm writing. No real reason to....just purely bored. I have two hours to sit here on my ass, too. Soo yeah, I realy don't know what to do...I didn't load up any episodes of CSI either...grr....

shit! apparently nobody has to go to school or work today!!! what the hell. this is so not even funny....if I think positively, though...the day is technically almost over...pssh not really...ahh :( i want to go home...I have a feeling this week is going to be so slow, too. grr

Friday, February 16


i'd just like to let you all know that i am fine. i haven't done anything since janurary. so please just stop! okay? im being completely honest, i haven't and i dont plan on it, im saving up for a car and a place of my own now so, let's just move on, because i am.

this won't be up here long. for obvious reasons. the past is the past. im cured and dodged a bullet (risking getting caught). i dont want to go back to square one...so, seriously. let's never bring this up. unless it's to me. but even then...alright? thanks...

Thursday, February 15

[so much for] breif

i know what i said, 'last post for a long time'...well, sh. but im not going to capatalize and all that.....soo it's pretty much friday. and i've had a fairly okay week. my snow day was nice, very relaxing...well, i guess i had to go to the hospital to volunteer still...but whatever, i got a bread roll. so that was well worth it. hm *wednesday, psh. i did get what i hoped for...a stuffed bunny. annd i was told i would soon be receiving a fat teddy bear. :) *thursday...was very nice. went to lunch at the marylebone with my dad for 3 hours (well, not just there for that long)...and i now finally have jeans that fit me, for now at least. hmm oh yeah, and i decided when the snow begins to melt, im going to find a tennis court to play on. i always used to play waaaay back in middle school...but then i was banned from going to our park...soo i haven't since then...until today in gym. badmitton (sp). i am the best. hands down. i actually sweated a little...which was very exciting.

well,,,it's almost friday. i said that...i doubt ill be seeing 'breach' with my long lost buddy tomorrow night. its my fault though. i didn't call them/call them back...until just now. and then left a message. so, yeah...oh well. im hoping one of my acquaintances from school comes to scarface at the midnight movie...that would definently make up for the previous mentioned...well, if not. ill still get to see 3 hours of epic violence...i have to admit [brace yourselves] i am kind of not looking forward to parts of it. ((gasp)) i know...but i have never seen this movie all the way through. just bits and pieces. and one part i did happen to see was the one where they are putting a chainsaw into his friend's head right in front of him...[now all who were kind of considering going, are like umm no i think im busy] chainsaws are my one no no. cannot handle them...

i haven't done my homework all week. just burned cds and played tetris and watched tv. it was great....but hence it is all due tomorrow, i should do it. but im not. i planned it out. im open every other class, sooo yeah it works perfectly and lets me get some sleep now. :) if i end up going to jno ill have my hair curled...maybe. ehhh maybe not. no probably not. scratch that..

you know what's another shocker?? i went shopping afterschool...i went to hell [the mall-westroads] and i got my clinique stuff...and then somehow wandered into the massive pit of hell. [the mall itself] annd no, i did not get anything. but i didn't get home until 630...i just literally walked around. scraped up enough change to buy a cookie...walked around. wandered into von maur, and was very disappointed to see the regular piano man was not there. :( but i saw poofy poofy dresses. real pretty...so i went over, and while 'collide' played real loud i looked at all the pretty pretty dresses that girls would get to wear to prom or whatever...it made me real sad. i dont necessarily care about prom and that shit. but i just want a pretty dress. i found the clearance rack...[no poofy dresses] but there was a pretty deep purplish pink dress with sheer black overlay. (wont go into detail) but, it was 52. and then as i was looking at it in the mirror i saw a similar styled dress that was pale blue and off white lacey overlay. oooh it looked soo neat "on" me, but it was 70...and my mom thought they resembled a slip, and i filled in the blanks...then i didnt get upset, i just jokingly said i would become a dyke/lesbian, well, before that i said 'fuck this i don't want to be a girl anyway. im just going to save up money and become a man, insurance will cover the surgery right mom?' ha...oh that was funny...to me at least...

i dont know, in a way im glad i didn't get anything...i would've felt guilty and then thrown out half of my closet to the homeless...soo haha...yeah, i don't know...i just wanted a pretty dress. all i have is the pink one. i love it. a lot. but it doesn't have too much life left. :( but i'll still wear it to its deaath...one day ill get a pretty dress and wear it a lot, and i don't know...just be pretty in it. maybe carry on the tradition and play football in it. :) ha...ohh maybe one day.

hmm well, i guess this is all fo rnow. oh i punched someone in the face today. my mom always told me i shouldn't fake punch because one day i will not be able to controll my fist and ill really punch them...well, this time, that was pretty much what happened. my dad [of all people] was slightly upset. haha oh well...i think saturday ill turn my phone on silent and sleep. the entire day. ...or maybe not. because the last time i did that i missed a large number of calls...which was weird...oh who cares. mmm sleep. bye

Wednesday, February 7


I don't know....I don't really want to keep blogs anymore. It's basically like throwing your journal full of your intimate thoughts and what nots into a flock of vultures.

I don't get life. No sir, I do not. It's just one big repetitive thing. That's all I'm going to say on that...

CSI is tomorrow. Let's see...5 fucking hours of CSI.

This is odd, but I want to just stay in my room. or stay secluded and alone...hmm I like strangers a lot. The strangers that you walk by and your over-protective and judemental mother used to block you from...They are amazing, friendly, and everything positive (their attitude and atmosphere)...I want to meet someone and be friends, but not tell each other anything from our pasts [yes, like casablanca], so that way there's no risk of judement. More of a friendly, fun, friendship in the present. not the past or future. just right now.

I should do my homework...I should...I don't know maybe I will sometime tonight. I'm sick...mentally, emotionally, and oh I guess physically. Nothing contagious, I promise. hmm well, I guess this is where I end.